A Day of Disappointment

There are certain unavoidable hazards of my job. There are many interpretations as to why 4 year olds are inexplicably attracted to things that are dirty and sticky. As a result, they themselves become unwashably dirty and sticky. No matter the amount of hand washing, clothes cleaning or hand sanitizing, they remain dirty and sticky while becoming magnets for any other forms of yuck within a fifty mile radius. I understood this theory going in, and I can quantify this theory going out.

During the course of the year so far, I have been urinated on, vomited on, snotted on, sneezed on, coughed on, exploded on and pooped on. It's part of the job, and to date, I have not even experienced dry heaves. Yet this week, I came home feeling filthier and more disgusted with my current situation than ever before. I know you're out there thinking, is there a grosser symptom to working with four year olds? Is there a nastier flavor out there to catch from four year olds? What could possibly be worse than many exploding little bodies of germs?

Well, let me answer quickly and to the point. The best part of the job is the child package, for better or worse. The worst part is the black hole that takes away your professional worth in the eyes of others. Day by day that black hole sucks your credentials dry, becoming parasitic like a leech beneath the depths of murky waters. Unseen, unfeeling, constantly draining. The black hole theory starts at the back of your mind, an unproven theory you can sense out of the corner of your eye. Why do people look at me in pity? Why do they shake their heads? These thoughts eat away pieces of your conscience until that theory develops a life of its own. It becomes a parasite draining your professional life blood, that constant flow of passion and do-goodness that all teachers much possess to be successful. Day by day this parasite drinks. You can see the effects to your body. The hollow eyes, the weight loss, the pale skin and worsening complexion. People know you look sick, but they insist on telling you things like, you're doing a great job, things will get easier, hang in there, and my favorite, well if you hate it so much find another job. Sure I'll find another job at another school experiencing the same level of budget cuts so I can be in this same situation again. Or better yet, how about instead of teaching, I try something else. Who cares that if I break my contract, I can never teach again or if I wait to the end, it may be months before I can find another job to replace the level of unsatisfactory I'm currently swimming through!

How does a teacher turn into this parasite constantly sucking away and riding upon her back? Try living in an environment where your peers, some of whom have the same credentials as you, believe that because you teach pre-k, you're not a real teacher. Does anyone come out and preach their convictions openly? No, but you can see it written across your face. Then the icing on the cake: an administration that thinks your job is so worthless, that they don't read your lesson plans, visit your room or inquire about how your kids are progressing. Better yet, lets all get together for a three hour staff development meeting where everyone discusses and presents on the school professional development texts for the year. It's so important to lay a common professional framework so that students can acquire the language and practices early and build upon them in future grades. Sounds great, doesn't it? How much more foundational does pre-k get? The pre-k program was created to help at risk students get a head start so that kindergarten would not be so difficult. To me, that fits the definition of a foundation.

Nothing makes you feel more worthless than knowing how important pre-k is and not being taken seriously. Do you think I got to participate in the professional development texts? Nope. Never got a copy of those books. Instead, I get to sit in and listen to everyone else, every other REAL teacher discuss what they learned and how they are going to apply their learning. The kicker of it all, the principal stands up and says how important it is to develop a strong foundation. Apparently, pre-k is just the dirt beneath the foundation. Still there, still supporting the foundation, but no one really thinks about how I hold it up. I'm not a real teacher after all.

Before this year, I taught K-3. Third grade was my favorite, and for a beginning teacher with students no one else wanted, my PASS scores rocked. I have a BA in English literature and language and a BS in Early Childhood Education. I'm almost finished with my Master's program. My friends used to make fun of the fact that the abbreviation for Bachelors in Science is also an abbreviation for a phrase meaning "nonsense, lies, or exaggeration" or "to express disagreement." I never thought that my Bachelors in Science would become the more colloquial term. Apparently, the parasite on my back has eaten away all the top layers of my certification, and I am no longer a professional. I am the equivalent of a daycare worker in the eyes of my peers and administration. All I do is babysit.

They can ignore the data all they want. I know how important I am. My kids and families know how important I am. Many came to me not even knowing their names due to the fact that everyone uses a different nickname. I had kids that could not count, did not know what a letter was, could not interact with other students, and could not complete a single task independently. Come look at my data now. It's January, and if we had standardized scores, the majority of my students would score in the top percentiles. I have a group that I'm teaching to read, add, subtract and write stories. Who's not a real teacher now? How are your kids doing as you stand behind your desk all day judging others? How is your school doing as you stay in your office all day? I know my kids. I know my families. I build relationships and bridges. Not so worthless after all, huh?

S - The Darkness (A Brussels' Tale)

The Darkness lurks. The Darkness sweeps.

Do not wander. Do not breach.

Beware the Darkness. Do stay close.

The Darkness awaits your velvet nose.

The Darkness caught me by the tail. It wasn't dark when I left the light. It wasn't dark until it caught me tight. No matter where I ran or hid, the Darkness stalked me out of it. I fell on my face into the light. The Darkness hides just out of sight. I know that it waits there for me, but into it I cannot see. I will run through the leaves. Fall through the steps until I see, the light upon the porch is there. Where warm, soft laps wait for me.

Z - Schnauzer's Log

Although my patrols have been limited as of late, weather conditions allowed for an investigation of the southern territory. Much ice remains, but as long as I move quickly, I don't sink. My two scouts reported a reduction in the ice in the southern most quadrant of the territory, which allowed us to resume patrolling as a unit.

We have been restricted to the northern territory for many days. There is a large layer of white and ice covering the territories. The ice is very delicious, but the white is troublesome. My youngest scout was entirely incapacitated by the white. However, my second in command proved extremely efficient despite the change in transportation. Once the white finished, it was up to my second to scout the perimeters of the territories.

Up until today, we have gathered no intelligence as to the presence of intruders. It is a constant danger that intruders may descend on or within the territories. It is my job to protect our leader, the One. As the scouts and I were suiting up for patrol, blackness gathered in the middle quadrant. We counted four separate sitings of the blackness against the whiteness over the territory. As soon as the doors were opened, my scouts and I raced to confront the blackness. My second took the western side, my third took the eastern side, and I charged direct. Upon approach, the blackness soared above us into the sticks of the overworld, mocking us with their ability to move upwards. Undaunted, I pierced their ears, pushing them to retreat. The cowards fled without a sound.

With constant vigilance, I will keep the scouts and the One safe. The territories remain clear for another day.